How i Died S1 E03: Cold Chill

Transcript: How i Died S1 E03: Cold Chill

This transcript is adapted from the episode’s original script, so the final audio may differ slightly.

Jon: Alright. Let me get this tape recorder on and… Put it in a safe spot. We’ve got a New case this afternoon – file number 3367. William Horton, Male, aged 52 was brought in a few minutes ago after a car accident, found dead on the scene. Let’s move this sheet… Whoa. VERY dead on the scene. Victim has been nearly completely decapitated. Interesting. Although the notes mention it was an accidental death with no conplications. And we know how wrong they were last time. Honestly, I don’t know why these beat cops keep putting down cause of death on the files. That’s not their job. (Pen scratching sound.) Keep… To… The… Facts. Alright Today, we’ll be reattaching vertebra and stitching up the skin around the neck tear in order to preserve the body for a funeral viewing, requested by the family. Right, Will? Your family misses you.

[Shaking and then silence]

Jon: Will? Hello? Anybody down there?

[Silence]

Jon: No one? How… Odd. I could’ve sworn I heard the usual shaking…

[Jon walks to the sink and scrubs.]

Jon: Maybe he got stuck on the scene. That’s fine. It can be my first official case in peace and quiet. No more relying on them telling me the answers. I never did back in med school, anyway. Although those were pretty basic cases… Whatevwr, whatever. Calm down, Jon. This is a basic case, too. You’ll be fine.

[Jon walks back]

Jon: I’m just thankful that I don’t have to deal with sheriff Crowley today. It’s becoming very apparent that she has a problem with me. Although… In all fairness, I did just lie to her about the last case… Actually. Shit. (Closer to the mic) Remember to cut that out.

Jon: Alright. Let’s get started. (Pause) A quick overview of the body indicates blunt force trauma to the sternum, seemily caused by the seatbelt of the car. Radial lacerations on the arms and legs. Lots of bruising and possible subdermal hematomas.

[Wheely chair and medical instruments]

Jon: Alright. Beginning the skeletal reattachment. I don’t think I’ve ever had to force a spinal column back together before.

[Squishing sounds. Gross noises.]

Jon: First we’ll get the base of the skull realigned. There are some bone fragments in the neck that need to be removed. Where did I put those tongs? Shit!

[Metal tray falls over and crashes on the ground]

Jon: Damnit. I need a clean set…

[Chair scoots out. Jon walks back to a drawer.]

Jon: Actually, it’s just my nerves. It might be a bit…too quiet. You never know what you’ll miss until it’s gone, right? God, this recording is riddled with me talking to myself like a crazy person.

Jon: Let’s put on some music. How about that? Get in the zone a bit. (Mumbling) make this a little less akwardly silent.

[Clicking on a stereo]

Jon: (further away) What cds did this last guy have?

[Song plays for a moment]

Jon: Why is it that every doctor likes classical music to operate to? I’d rather listen to whatever middle of the woods radio station we have out here.

Click: (STRANGE RADIO SOUNDS – SOMEONE MUMBLING SOMETHING ABOUT THE FACTORY. IT THEN BECOMES UN-STATICED AND BACK TO NORMAL.

Radio Guy: And now back to the music. Coming in on the top hits this month, it’s Monplaisir with Vestiaire.

Jon: This’ll work.

[Chair scoots back in]

Jon: Now, let’s get these bone fragments out of you and reattach your head, huh, Will?

[Squishing sounds. Dropping bone into metal dish.]

Jon: I’ve really got to stop addressing the bodies, too.

[More working sounds]

Jon: And here…we…go. Back on.

Will: Thanks. Finally!

Jon: Ah jesus!

Will: Sorry doc. Didn’t mean to scare you.

Jon: I just didn’t expect… Wait. You couldn’t talk?

[Music stops]

Will: Nope. Not til you put my head back on it seems.

Jon: That’s… Unusual.

Will: Doesn’t it always work like that?

Jon: Not at all. Your body shouldn’t affect you as a ghost at all…

Will: Is that what I am? I was wondering.

Jon: I’ve been calling it a curse, but you can call it whatever you want.

Will: Geez; you seemed a lot more happy a minute ago. What happened?

Jon: Nothing happened. What do you mean?

Will: Before I showed up. You were downright chipper. Now it’s all stark and business with you.

Jon: It was just a… Nice change of pace to be alone.

Will: I can stop talking if you want. Don’t let me rain on your parade.

Jon: No, it’s fine … I mean, you seem like a nice enough person. I’ve just never had good experiences with this stuff. So pardon me if I seem a bit… Tense.

Will: So you always talk to the dead?

Jon: Most of the time. And you all never cease to want something from me.

Will: Seems like you need to get out more.

Jon: I’m more well off than you. Thanks for your concern.

Will: Ha. You’ve got me there. At least you’re alive, right?

Jon: Do you remember what happened?

Will: Not a clue. One moment I’ve got the wind blowing in my hair, driving down the road in my corvette. The next, I’m being wheeled into here, unable to talk.

Jon: You were wearing a scarf. Remember that?

Will: I’d call it a convertable driving-ascot, but yeah. Why?

Jon: Well, apparently it got caught in the wheel as you were driving. First reponders said it nearly ripped your head clean off. As you can see.

Will: Y’ouch! Glad it killed me quickly.

Jon: You hardly seem broken up about it.

Will: Yeah, see. I thought that was weird too. I felt… Really at peace once I woke up here. Or… Didn’t wake up, I guess.

Jon: Strange. Did you want to die?

Will: Not at all! Actually, if we’re being completely honest – and there’s no reason not to be right now, since you’re literally the only one around who can hear me – I was kind of terrified of dying.

Jon: And now you’re… At peace with it? You’re not pissed off or regretting anything?

Will: Nope. Not really. I mean, I just turned 56 last weekend. Bought that corvette with money I should’ve been saving. Hooked up with my secretary, finally!

Jon: Sounds like a mid-life crisis gone wrong.

Will: Hey, no sense in worrying about death now. At least I went out having fun. Kind of ironically, too.

Jon: Why is that?

Will: Well, if I hadn’t bought the car; hadn’t cheated on my wife… I probably would still be alive.

Jon: I was wondering when you’d bring up your family. They’re having a funeral for you in a few days. Are you going to be sticking around until then?

Will: Sure, why not? I could go for seeing my kids one last time. Just make me look decent, okay doc?

Jon: It’s hard to look any worse than you did a minute ago. I’d say having your head reattached is a solid first step.

Will: Aha! Listen, kid, take it from me – it’s not worth being unhappy your whole life. You’re young still. Enjoy the 30s and 40s. You have kids?

Jon: I don’t. But I’d rather not talk about me.

Will: Don’t have kids! They ruin everything. I had a great marriage before kids. Great sex. We’d travel. Decent job. It was fantastic. You married, doc?

Jon: No.

Will: See, everyone lies to you. Old dudes like me always used to say "don’t get married." But that’s not the thing. Marriage is great. It’s the kids that ruin it.

Jon: Mmm. Somehow, I think this isn’t really about me.

Will: The kids end up driving you apart. You bicker when you talk, if you even get to talk. Your love life completely stops. Then you have to worry about more bills, food, college funds. I had to get a second job.

Jon: And yet you spent the money on a car.

Will: I did. Speaking of – You think my wife will be able to sell it back, even with all my blood and crap on it?

Jon: I have no idea. It got smashed into a tree, too. You must’ve kept your foot on the petal even after you died.

Will: Smashed into a tree?

Jon: Yeah. But you were already dead.

Will: Doc, I wasn’t the one driving.

Jon: You weren’t?

Will: No. It was Candice. My receptionist. The one I told you about. We were out for a joyride. SHE was driving us. I was in the passanger seat.

Jon: That can’t be possible. The paramedics found you in the driver’s side.

Will: What? What’s that mean?

Jon: Hold on.

[Wheely chair moving. Metal running across skin.]

Will: What are you doing?

Jon: I’m tracing the bruising pattern on your sternum.

Will: What? Why?

Jon: You see this big bruise in the middle of your chest?

Will: Yeah…

Jon: Well these happen when a seatbelt is yanked across you, hard. Usually in a car accident, you might get some severe bruising, but a seatbelt will keep you alive.

Will: Not in this case…

Jon: Trust me. Extenuating circumstances. But look. The central bruising occurs at the point of highest impact – the broadest part of your chest. But after, you get radial brusing in the line where the seatbelt was… Here. It’s very faint. Look.

Will: It’s a bruise across my right shoulder.

Jon: Exactly. Indicating that you WERE in the passanger side when your head came off.

Will: What a visual. But yeah… I just told you I was.

Jon: You’d be surprised how many dead people have been trying to lie to me recently.

Will: So wait. This means that Candice wasn’t on the scene when they found my body? And that she probably didn’t stick around to call 911.

Jon: Even better. It means she drove the car into a tree and then moved your body into the driver’s side to make it look like you were driving.

Will: Wow… And here I told her I’d leave mt wife for her.

Jon: We need to call someone.

Will: I wasn’t really going to leave my wife for her anyway, but I mean, she didn’t know that and she still tried to cover up my death! What are you doing?

Jon: (further away) Calling the hospital.

Will: Why?

Jon: Cause – hold on. Hi; It’s Jon Spacer from the morgue downstairs. I need someone to Check the E.R. for a woman named Candice…

Will: Breks.

Jon: (further away) Candice Breks. She would’ve come in with some sort of bruising or car-accident style injuries. Can you see if she has a chart there? Great. Yeah.

Will: Do you think she went in?

Jon: With this bruising on you, I’m sure she’s at least there for something. (Pause) Yeah I’m here. She’s there? Fantastic. Keep her there. I appreciate it.

[Phone hanging up. Dialing again]

Will: Now who are you calling?

Jon: (further away) Calling the Sheriff. Damn. I got her voicemail. Hey, Crowley. It’s Jon. Listen: The decapitation victim – He wasn’t driving. He’s got seatbelt bruising starting at the top right shoulder. He was in the passanger seat. I’m sure there was someone else driving. I’ve called the hospital and they have a Candice Breks in the ER with brusing and trauma mirroring a car accident. She was our vic’s secretary. My guess is she was driving and fled the scene. Not to do your job for you, but that’s what I got on my end. Give me a call back when you can.

Will: Wow. I can’t believe she left me for dead.

Jon: You know – I couldn’t have done this without you, Will. And I think the cops would’ve missed it too – they didn’t even try to check the wheels any further. They would’ve seen the scarf fragments.

Will: In fairness, I was very dead.

Jon: Hah. And now Candice is very busted.

Will: There’s that spunk you had before.

Jon: I guess you’re right. Solving these cases… That’s where I feel most comfortable.

Will: Say. Is this the craziest case you’ve ever seen?

Jon: Not by a long shot.

Will: Oh.

Jon: But you are the first skull I’ve had to reattach post-mortem.

Will: Now that’s what I’m talking about! What else do you have to do to me?

Jon: First I’ve gotta make sure your head doesn’t come back off when we move you to a coffin. Clean off some blood. Maybe make you smell a little better.

Will: Some cologne?

Jon: Embalming fluid. Slows the rate of decay.

Will: Gross. Man. I can’t believe I’m dead. Is this what it always feels like?

Jon: I’ve never really asked. What does it feel like to you?

Will: Kind of… Calm. It doesn’t feel a lot like anything. Maybe a bit cold.

Jon: For what it’s worth, I have heard that before.

Will: What do I do now? How’s this usually work?

Jon: Well, most of the spirits just kind of… Go.

Will: Go?

Jon: Like move on.

Will: To an afterlife?

Jon: I have no idea.

Will: Ah. Do any of them stick around?

Jon: Oh yeah. You’d be surprised how long some people take to get over their own deaths. YEARS…

Will: Ha. I don’t know about years, but a few days might be nice.

Jon: I’m sure your funeral will be soon. Why not go check in on your family until then?

Will: I think I’ll skip the funeral, actually. Seeing yourself lying there is a weird feeling. But I’ll definitely go see my family for a bit.

Jon: Sure.

Will: Hey Doc, before I go: Are there other people like you?

Jon: I don’t-

Will: I’m only asking cause… I mean… Is there… Any chance my kids could see me?

Jon: I doubt it.

[Phone starts ringing]

Will: Gotcha. Well. Nice meeting you.

Jon: Hey Will- Hold on a second

Will: Yeah?

Jon: For what it’s worth, I realized I could see ghosts as a kid, too. In a very similar situation. So… It’s worth a shot.

Will: Thanks, doc.

[Jon answers phone]

Jon: Hello, Crowley?

Sheriff (ON PHONE): Get your ass to the ER. We’ve got bodies coming in.

Music Clicks Back On: (OUTRO)