How i Died S3 E01: Buddy System

Transcript: How i Died S3 E01: Buddy System

This transcript is adapted from the episode’s original script, so the final audio may differ slightly.

EXT. WOODS – NIGHT

[Jon's familiar set of footsteps crunches on leaves as he rolls a body in a gurney through the woods. Once he gets where he's supposed to be, he unzips the bag and HEFTS the body onto the ground. He covers it in leaves. He walks back.]

INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT HALLWAY – DAY

[DING. Elevator doors open and Jon steps out into the hospital hallway. We still haven't heard him speak yet, so it's all audio to guess who we're following. Jon scans into the morgue – new security now.]

INT. MORGUE – DAY

[Jon enters to Crowley and Clark talking again, similar to Season 2. This time, there's tension between them.]

Crowley: Spacer.

Jon: Hey Sheriff. Dr. Klark. I heard you had a body for me.

Klark: We called funeral pickup…

Crowley: And by the looks of your new suit… You took a job at Stiffs'.

Jon: Got the badge to prove it and everything.

Crowley: And Howard wasn't tricked into hiring you? He knows you were fired, right?

Jon: Thanks for your glowing recommendation. (beat) What happened to you? You look like you got hit by a truck.

Crowley: I did.

Klark: Dr. Spacer–

Crowley: Or is it just Jon now?

Jon: I'm still a doctor.

Crowley: But not one here.

Jon: Do you have something you want to say to me, Crowley?

Crowley: Plenty of things.

[Jon steps up to her.]

Jon: Go for it.

[There's a beat of silent tension, like two animals squaring up.]

Klark: The body is all ready for you.

[They deflate.]

Jon: Thank you. Doctor Klark.

Klark: Troy Penner, age thirty seven. Looks to be a case of heavy metal toxicity.

Crowley: Husband to Jen Penner and their newborn Katie. Such a shame.

Jon: Did you know them?

Crowley: The came in. (beat)

Crowley: I asked a home inspector, friend of mine, to take a look at the home. Hopefully he'll find the source, or they might need to move.

Jon: Heavy metal poisoning is one hell of a way to die.

Klark: Painful. We took a tissue sample and sent it to the path lab to confirm the type of metal, but…

Crowley: It doesn't matter. At least not to you. Take the body and leave.

[Another beat of silence. Clark shuffles, grabbing a clipboard.]

Klark: Just need a signature.

[Jon signs, handing it back.]

Jon: It's a shame this is how it has to be.

Crowley: You made it like this. Not me.

Jon: You should really see a doctor about those bruises.

[Jon wheels the gurney out as they just watch.]

INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT HALLWAY – DAY

[As soon as Jon enters the hallway, he's bombarded.]

Penner: Hey – you! I'm looking for my wife and daughter. Blonde woman, tall, thirties with a newborn. My wife, I mean. Not my daughter.

Jon: I'm sorry. I haven't seen anyone.

Penner: They were just here. I tried to talk to them but they ignored me.

Jon: Wait… What's your name?

Penner: Troy. Everyone just calls me by my last name though —

Jon: Penner.

Penner: Right… How did you know?

Jon: Penner, we need to talk. Can you follow me?

[Jon starts to wheel down the hall. He ducks into a patient room.]

INT. EMPTY ROOM – DAY

[Jon pulls the curtain.]

Penner: An empty patient room? Why are we here?

[Jon unzips the body bag on top of the gurney.]

Jon: Yeah… I thought so. (beat) I should really be better at it by now. (beat) Penner, take a look.

Penner: I'd rather not. I don't deal well with death. And why the hell are you showing me this?

Jon: Just look.

[Jon opens the body bag further.]

Penner: Jesus Christ… that's–

Jon: You're dead.

Penner: You're fucking sick. Is this some kind of joke?

Jon: Penner! Don't leave. I–

Penner: I… I can't grab the curtain. What did you do?

Jon: Try walking through it.

Penner: This isn't funny. Fuck you.

Jon: Penner, come back. Seriously.

[Jon runs after him. He opens the door to the hallway again.]

INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT HALLWAY – DAY

Jon: (whispering) Seriously, Penner, come back in here.

Penner: Just tell me where my wife and daughter are!

Jon: (whispering) I can't explain out here. Too risky.

Penner: I'm going to keep looking.

[Jon catches up.]

Jon: Fine. Hold on!

[He fishes out his cell phone.]

Jon: Hi, Penner, listen. My name is Jon- –

Penner: What the hell are you doing?

Jon: (whispering) I'm pretending to talk on a cell phone so it doesn't look like I'm talking to myself.

Penner: You need to get the fuck away from me. I don't know what kind of —

Jon: Penner, my name is Jon. I can speak to the dead, which… you are now one of. You walked through a closed door a minute ago. You said your wife and daughter wouldn't talk to you. Well, go talk to someone else in the hospital here. Hell, try to even get anyone to look at you. I'll wait in the patient room.

Penner: Please. Go!

Jon: But I can't wait forever.

[Jon is left alone for a second. He sighs and heads back into the patient room.]

INT. EMPTY ROOM – DAY

[Jon sighs again, slumping into a chair next to the gurney.]

Jon: I really wish there was some sort of catchall for this type of thing. Why can't everyone just accept that they're dead?

[Jon's phone starts vibrating. He checks it.]

Jon: Ugh. I'll call back.

[He bitch buttons it. He starts tapping his feet. He sighs again, getting up. He pulls back the curtain–]

Jon: Shit! Penner… I didn't hear you come in.

Penner: I walked through the door.

Jon: I know.

Penner: The closed door.

Jon: I know. Do you want to come talk?

Penner: I passed some police woman in the hallway. And a doctor. One passed through me.

Jon: Which one? Nevermind. It's not important. I'm here to help explain things, if you want.

Penner: Are you some sort of priest?

Jon: What? No.

Penner: Because of the suit.

Jon: No. I used to work here as a doctor. Now I just pick up the bodies and help guide the dead… if I can.

Penner: A proverbial Charon, crossing the river.

Jon: Only I'm alive. And this isn't the pathway to Hades.

Penner: Then what is it?

Jon: And in-between, I guess. Another step before moving on to whatever awaits afterward.

Penner: Why?

Jon: That's… a great question. I don't think anyone's ever asked why. (beat) I don't really know. Maybe it's so you can wrap your head around being dead.

Penner: How the fuck am I supposed to wrap my head around it? None of this should even exist. I shouldn't be dead.

Jon: I know. Trust me, I get it. Don't you remember being sick?

Penner: Of course I do. It was excruciating. So I went to sleep and woke up in the same place. I just thought I was feeling better.

Jon: You must've passed. The doctors probably took your body to the morgue where your family could say goodbye.

Penner: And I didn't even get to.

Jon: No one ever does. Not really.

Penner: They… won't hear me even if I see them?

Jon: That's correct.

Penner: Fuck. You're right then. There really is no point to this.

Jon: You can still see them one last time.

Penner: We live dozens of miles from here. Middle of nowhere, thanks to me. It'd take me… days… a week to walk there.

Jon: I'll take you.

Penner: …Thank you. But again, why?

Jon: I'm here to help. Like I said. I just have to make a stop first.

Penner: You said you pick up the bodies. You're a funeral director?

Jon: Not quite. Body transport and post- mortem management for a funeral services company.

Penner: And you have to drop my body there first.

Jon: Something like that.

Penner: Why couldn't they save me? Do you know?

[Jon grabs the chart.]

Jon: From your chart… it looks like they weren't able to identify the type of heavy metal fast enough. When fighting heavy metal toxicity, usually doctors need to know which metal it is to actually counteract the effects. Any idea?

Penner: Why should I know?

Jon: Just curious. You didn't work with cars or with a type of chemical?

Penner: I'm an historical literature professor.

Jon: Hence the Charon reference… So no type of hobby involving metal?

Penner: No.

Jon: Then it may be in the house. But don't worry — Someone is already on their way to scan for any leaks.

Penner: So my wife and daughter?

Jon: Do you spend more time in the home than anyone else?

Penner: No. I'm always on campus. My wife has been home with our newborn. Could they be in danger too?

Jon: I doubt it. How about on campus? Any place where you're alone?

Penner: My office is shared. If I got sick there, Scott and Michaels, my two department heads, are also screwed.

Jon: Were you able to communicate toward the end? To tell anyone your symptoms?

Penner: Not really. Which… probably didn't help them identify the metal.

Jon: Exactly. What about your wife? Maybe she noticed and told them.

Penner: I've been… spending a lot of time at work. Since our daughter was born. I mean… I know it was shitty, but… I don't know. I don't have an excuse, really.

Jon: I'm not here to judge, but… any chance your wife could've poisoned you?

Penner: Poisoned?! No way. She… I… Even if I was an ass, she's too good of a person to hurt someone else. Even me.

Jon: Lucky you.

Penner: (scoff)) Yeah.

[Jon moves the gurney slightly.]

Jon: We should get going.

Penner: Come to think of it…

Jon: What?

Penner: You said poison… What type of metal can you poison someone with?

Jon: Lots. Lead is obvious but hard to conceal. They would've tested for it first. Arsenic processes create a gas that can be used to poison, even if you don't ingest it. Mercury; thallium; zinc for flu- like symptoms.

Penner: I get it.

Jon: Sorry.

Penner: Can I see that chart? You'll have to… Yeah. Thanks. (beat) I can't read that shit doctor handwriting.

[Jon flips the chart.]

Jon: Kidney and liver failure.

Penner: Good thing I was unconscious.

Jon: Our pathology lab should hopefully be able to identify the type of metal, but… with out me, they're a bit under staffed.

Penner: You used to work here? That explains why you know so much. (beat) So what's your take?

Jon: On?

Penner: On what metal it was. Any guesses?

Jon: I'd have to run tests or take a history to know for sure.

Penner: Good thing you can do one of the two.

Jon: Does it really make a difference to you? You're already dead. Shouldn't we just get going?

[Jon pulls the curtain back, pushing the gurney.]

Penner: You don't seem like the type to give up on a medical mystery.

Jon: Maybe these days. Come on.

[Jon exits into the hallway.]

INT. HOSPITAL BASEMENT HALLWAY – DAY

[Jon pushes the gurney toward the elevator.]

Penner: Do the phone thing again. So we can keep talking.

Jon: Fine.

Penner: I was having numbness. In my hands and feet.

Jon: That's not uncommon.

Penner: Swollen lymph nodes. Lots of diarrhea. I mean, a lot–

Jon: I get it. You didn't tell anyone about the… symptoms?

Penner: Like I said, lots of time on campus. I assumed I was just getting the flu from burning the candle at both ends.

[Jon pushes the elevator button. They wait.]

Penner: I was working on a new dissertation, one that would've propelled me to co-department head.

Jon: And your colleagues were… supportive of that, right? Just thinking about poison, again.

Penner: Actually… Michaels was being forced into early retirement… You don't think… (beat) Gold.

[The elevator dings open. They enter.]

INT. ELEVATOR – DAY

Jon: Gold?

Penner: Michaels was taking some god damn pills. Gold supplements or something for severe arthritis.

Jon: And you're sure they were gold?

Penner: Absolutely. He wouldn't shut up initially about how gold injections or something would save his job.

Jon: I thought you said they were pills.

Penner: They were… four months ago, he couldn't handle the injections. He switched.

[The elevator dings again. They exit.]

INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – DAY

[They keep walking.]

Jon: This way. Body transport exit. I'd… rather not go through the ER.

Penner: So do you think Michaels poisoned me?

Jon: Definitely possible. But it's not my job to prove it right now.

Penner: Can you at least tell my wife not to talk to him? If he shows up at the house…

Jon: I wasn't planning on talking to your wife at all. You wanted to see them.

Penner: Hmmm…

Jon: Here.

[Jon pushes open a side door.]

EXT. HOSPITAL BAY ENTRANCE – DAY

[It's quiet outside; not the normal place people park. Jon pushed the gurney down the pavement. From the distance…]

Crowley: Took you long enough.

Penner: She's who I walked through.

Jon: Could you give me a second?

[Jon gets closer, stopping the gurney.]

Jon: Laying it on a little thick in there, don't you think?

Crowley: Clark is a mouthpiece for Kim. Can't be too careful. (laughing) I think he was ready to stop a brawl.

Jon: Pfft. I thought he might have to.

Crowley: Nice digs, by the way. And a new set of wheels. I thought you didn't drive.

Jon: I dislike driving. It's not that I can't.

Crowley: Now you get a hearse and a new job.

Jon: I know you're not here for pleasantries. We haven't spoken in a month.

Crowley: You're right. Down to business. Personnel files on Roger just got cleared, since… I… can't look at the ones you illegally read. I'll have them from District Attorney Grant later today.

Jon: I'm sure you'll find something about Springfield Corp. I know Kim was involved in whatever happened.

Crowley: I'm not convinced. But some things certainly don't add up. Any news on Roger's cremation certificate?

Jon: Not yet. I've had… other things I needed to deal with since I got fired.

Crowley: Right. Rent and finding a new job.

Jon: Right… For the most part. Speaking of: Has Kim gotten any more tapes?

Crowley: If they had, I'm not sure they'd even let me know. (beat) What is it you're so afraid of them listening to?

Jon: Nothing. I told you. Just that they'll use whatever they can to prove me incompetent.

Crowley: Shouldn't be too hard. (beat)

Crowley: But Grant is holding on your hearing. He knows I'm building something, and doesn't want to look bad by publicly shaming you if he has to turn around and shake your hand once I figure out what's really going on.

Jon: How kind of him.

[Jon's phone buzzes again.]

Jon: I need to take this.

Crowley: Sure. If I find anything on the files, I'll let you know. Otherwise, stay low and don't cause any problems for my investigation.

Jon: I know. (beat) You really should see a doctor. You do look like shit.

Crowley: (laughing) You should see the other guy.

Jon: Crowley. Before you go… Consider looking into a poisoning against our vic here. Not the wife. Someone with career motivations.

Crowley: And do I want to take a guess as to how you got that information?

Jon: Troy Penner was a pretty prominent professor. I've seen his name in some news about taking over a department.

Crowley: Mhmmm… Enjoy your phone call with your new boss. Glad it's not me anymore.

Jon: (laughing) Me too.

[Crowley walks away. Jon opens the trunk and puts in the gurney.]

Penner: Everything okay?

Jon: Let's get going.

Penner: Did you tell her I was poisoned?

Jon: I told her enough.

[Jon closes the trunk. He walks to his side of the car and gets in. He turns on the car and starts driving. He's messing with his phone.]

Penner: You shouldn't text and drive.

Jon: Says the dead person.

Penner: Too soon.

Jon: It's a phone call anyway. I'll put it on speaker.

[He presses another button, across the phone, Howard Stiffs answers.]

Howard: Jonathan. Ducking my calls on the first day?

Jon: Sorry Mr. Stiffs, just a little late in picking up the body from the hospital.

Howard: I'm sure they weren't very pleased to have you waltz in.

Jon: No they were not. I won't be this delayed again though.

Howard: It's fine. I'm heading to the Gerard funeral, so you have the office to yourself for the evening. If you could process mister Penner for cremation and have it done by the time I come in tomorrow, we can invite the family in.

Jon: Sure thing, Mr. Stiffs. And again, sorry to be so late. I know you wanted to be there for another run through of the cremation process.

Howard: I trust you, Jon. Not every day a doctor comes to work for me. Just… lock up when you're done for the night.

Jon: Of course. Thank you again. And good luck with the Gerard ceremony.

Howard: No luck needed. They went for the extended package. Fools.

Jon: I'll pick out a nice expensive urn for Mr. Penner, too.

Howard: Good man.

[Jon hangs up.]

Penner: What a peach.

Jon: I'm not much of a schmoozer.

Penner: After that conversation, I'm not so sure. (beat) Hey, isn't the funeral home the other direction?

Jon: I told you. I have to make another stop first.

Penner: I know I live out in the middle of nowhere, but damn… This does… not look like someplace anyone would want to be. You're taking a hearse off-roading?

[Jon drives in silence. He parks. Waits.]

Penner: What's going on?

Jon: Penner, you're not going to like what I have to do next. I'd suggest you stay in the car, and remember that I'm taking you to see your family after this. (beat) You are not your body.

[Jon gets out of the car. He opens the trunk. He pulls out the gurney. He wheels it into the woods; finds the spot; unzips and dumps the body. He covers it up with leaves.]

Jon: Huh…

[He rustles a few more leaves and grabs a tape from the ground. He puts it in a recorder. He presses play.]

Joy (V.O.): Thanks for your dedicated service, Johnny boy. I trust you kept our little arrangement just between us for now. Lest we send some more incriminating evidence to people who would love to hear what you think you can do. (laughing) Just out of curiosity: Are you in an M. Night. Shyamalan movie, or are you just batshit crazy? Either way, I think we make the perfect couple. Thanks again, Jonathan.

Joy (V.O.): I'll have another, bigger project for you in the coming weeks. Talk soon!